A Clarity of Discussion Methods

Let me begin with reiterating my appreciate for your willingness to keep me on the straight and narrow. I have been doing very well sticking to the tried and true method of keeping my situation under control -- and barring the horrid display of tantrum I fell victim to this week -- I feel I am still improving and much closer to stability than ever.

In reference to my concern for your happiness, I can only say that I truly want you to be. 

***

I know that we have difficulty communication. You have a Ph.D and should hire someone to cook and clean for you. It's crazy that we'rein this situation. But, I'll be happy to do that for $25 an hour for dinner and $125 for weekly or bi-weekly deep cleaning. If that's acceptable, let me know. 

Please think it over.

***

I am studying the communication patterns and the tribunal of three strong personality -- Introspective as they are. This has led me to the point that I'd really like to instill a little rule called "Me Time."

I need "Me Time" more than most 44 years old crazy people. We are very good at staying off each others minds as a general rule. But, we have a habit of communicating like its a matter of Sherman's Advance on Atlanta. Why burn down the house just to have to run for cover? In some cases, I really think they pressure is internal. Specifically, we are working at cross-purposes. You want to retire happily and rest. I want to be more effective at something and I'm not sure what yet.

Now, I know that the key to my issues to long walk in a solitary environment. Short of own my own acreage, I'll setting for semi-private.

But, why not just tell me that you really want me out, if that's what it is?

You took it as a personal affront when I suggested you go back to the beach. I can appreciate that you have a side-chat. But, even that line of communication is shaded in a slight eclipse. The truth is, you are happier closer to your outreach opportunities and the beach has always made your romantic spirit take flight. You seem to want to recapture all those feelings you shared on your Honeymoon with your Beau and I cannot fault you for that at all.

I've been in love. 

I know the beauty and sacredness of that communication.

I've also lost said love and had to take a slightly different path to emotional solvency -- through solitary confinement. Because I noticed this, I simply can say, I love you and God Bless every one of your Anniversaries. But, please don't stay here if the only reason you are is because I'm scaring you into it.

I cycle like a dust devil sometimes. It can get a little scary and its really just a low pressure pico-climatic storm system that has the duration of about 15 minutes. Otherwise known as a panic attack. I get in a funk too...but the depression rarely drops below hypo-level. If it becomes full-blown depression and I can't get out I'll call Carolyn. I promise you that. Love evaluates her and I trust them both.

When a melt-down happens I need a dark cool private space - to rage or to cry for 5 minutes or 15 accordingly - and I'm out of it. That's my pattern. The problem I am having is that you are here to witness it. When I'm here alone I rage like a freaking maniac but I'm in doors and it's usually my reflection that takes the beating. It's character affirming. 

You are my maternal anchor. I love you. But, I can handle it. I keep the knives in the kitchen and fall apart where the sharpest implement is used for nothing more than handling hygiene tasks.

The questions that you need to ask are the same ones that land people in solitary...

1) Are you Suicidal?

2) Are you Homicidal?

If they are clearly nugatory, and you are busy, walk out. You have my encouragement. I've seen the way you operate when you are over-stressed and have your own situations to deal with...we're human. Anita first, Wife second, Mom third...or any combination you feel comfortable with at any give point. It's your life. I can respect that.

I apologize, again, for getting involved in your Intellectual discussion regarding Zealot. I was attempting to deepen the conversation with a historical perspective and wanted to chat. But, found that Wiki opened up more interesting ideas than even that sidebar would have allowed -- so I was right to leave. I was wrong to comment upon my departure. I'm learning. It's just foreign to me because I miss the give and take of familial discussions and had I had a marriage, husband, and children I could do this under my own roof.

So, allow me to back off a bit.

And address that last point.

Stop.

Please.

Jesus has this under control.

And if I never meet him in the flesh I'll always have Tantra.

Grand-babies are IVF in either case, in my estimation.

And, I'm smart enough to pick a reputable Bank.

I will probably adopt someday but that's only after I meet my life partner in the WORLD. I am not limiting myself to this shallow end of the gene pool...and I'm looking forward to making a trip at some point to notice other options. But, at this time, let's just keep it as stable and as civil as possible. And if I do happen to get serious, I'll cook us all a nice 4-course and discuss flower arrangements.

I love you.

~Jennie